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HACKED! SCANDAL! HACKED! I, EKS! HACKED!!!

July 15, 2011

HACKED.

HACKED. I, Eks: HACKED! HackedI say, like a baby elephant by a poacher, or a mammoth in an ICE AGE FAMINE.

It is true that I have been at the heart of SCANDALS large and small over the years.

I have not courted scandal. Never.

BUT YES: at times when the expedient thing would be to SLIP UNNOTICED from some side door and hail a carriage home, I have chosed to (say) break into London Zoo with an acrobat and a bottle of fine Champagne and steal a red panda, or CARRY OFF THE FIRST MRS EKS FROM HER VERY WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH IN THE BASKET OF AN HYDROGEN BALLOON.

It is in my nature.

And, being at the heart of scandals large and entirely colossal, my privacy is at a premium. My PSEUDONYMOUS status is ESSENTIAL. And I PRIZE IT.

And so it was with shock that this very morning  I was contacted by SCOTLAND YARD.

“Mr Eks?” came a porcine, snorting voice.

“I am he,” I responded.

“Chief Inspector PAUL SCRATCHINGS of the Yard. I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

HAWLEY?” I gasped, thinking of my kidnapped red panda of that name (see below).

“Indeed no”, said Chief Inspector Scratchings. “I know nothing of ‘Hawley’. Your name was found in the notebook of a certain PRIVATE DETECTIVE, one BARNABY GUTS. We have reason to believe that he had been accessing your voicemail in order to gain details of salacious stories.”

My blood froze.

“Yes. Apparently, you have, in the last week alone, broken into London Zoo with an acrobat, stolen a red panda, had it stolen in turn, discovered a temple sacred to the Celtic god Lud, after whom London is named, held a party there for a troupe of avant garde bisexual dance theatre practitioners from Brazil, fought and killed Peter Doherty in a duel, punched NICK CLEGG with main force ‘IN THE GOOLIES’, supplied KETAMINE to DAVID CAMERON, GEORGE OSBOURNE, ANDREW LANSLEY AND SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR for a costume bacchanal in a cellar in the House of Lords and explained to JAMES MURDOCH how he is a SOULLESS, DEAD-EYED, SOCIALLY-CORROSIVE AGENT FOR TOXIC MEDIOCRITY with such eloquence that he has stopped eating and will probably not survive.”

“Murdoch is my son and I’ll speak to him as I please,” I said with bitterness. And I prepared myself for the inevitable…

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF EKS WAS HERE.

At last.

“Heh. Very good, Mr Eks. But clearly this is all impossible. Mr Guts is a fantasist, surely,”  said CI Scratchings.

“Er… yes”, I said.  “An absolute fantasist.” And, warming to my theme: “Ha ha ha ha, the very thought! What FANTASY.”

There was silence between us for a moment.

And then we both laughed together, for since I corrupted CI Scratchings as a young cadet fresh from his training at Eks’s Detective Academy, he and I have been peas in a pod.

Nonetheless, HACKED! I HAVE BEEN HACKED!

Instantly I reached for the telephone. And I organised something special.

On TUESDAY JULY 19

at DINGWALLS in CAMDEN MARKET

I have organised a symposium on

TECHNOLOGY AND RESISTANCE.

My friend MARK SIMPKINS (technology strategist for the BBC, JAMES BALL, formerly of WIKILEAKS and now of THE GUARDIAN with SARAH MORRISON of THE INDEPENDENT (who reported in detail on the use of TWITTARR in organising recent protest, and BECCY HOGGE, the AUTHORESS of BAREFOOT INTO CYBERSPACE: ADVENTURES IN SEARCH OF TECHNO-UTOPIA will be talking on technology, hacking and resistance.

MEANWHILE ON

CAMDEN LOCK MARKET SQUARE 7-9PM

Bring your own home-made tech devices for a seminar and general SHOW AND TELL.

NETAUDIO’S SONIC TABLETENNIS will also be there.

 As will I. Heavily in disguise. And ANONYMOUS.

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